Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Control Freak - The Sad Tale of Me

Tonight I learned an unfortunate thing about myself.  I hate it when I learn things about myself, especially when they aren't good.  Whoever said ignorance is bliss obviously had me in mind.

Tonight I learned that I am such a control freak I can't even let other people be the ones to make a mistake.  If a mistake is going to be made, I want to do it.  Yep, me, not you.  I need to make the mistake, it is almost visceral.

You may wonder how I found such a bizarre thing out.  I mean really, who just happens to have an epiphany about something as random as that?  (Me, obviously...)

Here is the sad story.  I am currently working on a few projects for my house.  Some are decorating related, others are functional, some are just plain time killers.  Today I found a mistake.  The hard part is I didn't make the mistake, someone else did.  Then I found another mistake, and another, and another.  I made all of the "another" mistakes.  While bummed about the last mistakes, and some of them were pretty big, I was able to get frustrated and then get over it.  Some I could fix, others I could not, but I moved on.  The mistake I didn't make is driving me nuts.

Yep, you heard me, the mistake I didn't make is the one I am obsessing over.  After wondering why I was so worked up I realized it was because I had no control over the mistake.  I didn't plan for it, I didn't implement it, and I didn't feel bad when I discovered it.  Someone else did, and that someone wasn't me.

(This is the moment for which you shake your head and realize I am the saddest case you have ever known, or even read about.  Don't worry, I agree.)

So I was told about the mistake and it wasn't a big deal at the time...until I thought about it.  Wow! Now please note I love the person who made the mistake.  I think this person is amazing and I would walk over hot coals for them.  In fact, this mistake will only ever be known by me.  No one else will ever know, or even care.  That said, knowing things aren't perfect is driving me nuts.

Remember how I said I am a control freak? Well perfection is what I expect of myself and when I fall short I know exactly why, I re-evaluate my procedure are try again.  When someone else makes a mistake I have no ability to adjust things for next time.  I know I can't change others, and there is only so much I can do to avoid the same problem in the future.

Knowing there is a problem I can't fix is insanely hard for me.  Oh, wait, I think I just had another epiphany writing that down.

So here I sit, a perfect control freak, just waiting for another situation to control... You know, it is a good thing I am not trying to get a date, I am sure I just scared 2/3 of the population of earth with that last statement.  Well, I better go and call my therapist, I'm sure I need some couch time for this one.

(I really hope someone out there can relate to my sorry self.  If so, let me know.  I need friends here...)

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